Divorce and Coming to a Close.

This has been an amazing 13 or 14 week. I am not sure if I will continue blogging or not. It has been an adventure and learning experience for me, and I learned I actually don’t mind blogging. It has allowed me to open up and summarize what I have learned in class and incorperate it into my own experiences. So for this final blog for this class I wanted to talk about divorce.

Divorce has become a common and accepted occurance in our society today. In fact our society has one of the highest divorce rates. Now why do you think that is?

It has come to my understanding that divorce has become easier and faster since previous time periods. Divorce used to be unacceptable. Those who did get a divorce had to have specific reasons such as being abused. But even then it was still frowned upon by society. That’s not the case today. Our society has developed a no fault divorce which has made it easier for couples to split up. At first divorces used to only take ten days. Ten days! Can you believe that. Some of my fights with my family last longer than that. I think if people would slow down and look at the problem and communicate divorces wouldn’t happen so frequently.

No fault divorce started in the state of California in the 1970’s. And began to spread across the United States. Today all states besides New York has some form of no fault divorce set in place. but why did divorces become a thing in the first place? Divorce started up because the men who came home from World War 2 had PTSD, and this can cause them to become violent and not be able to function properly in society. Also many women who had to work while there husbands were away did not want to come back home and be a housewife. So they came up with the no fault divorce. Earlier I said divorce used to take about ten days. Today if it is uncontested it takes two weeks to two months to get a divorce. If it is contested (one of the individuals does not want the divorce) then it can take as long as 18 to 30 months.

Why do you think they did this?

I learned in class from Brother Williams that they wanted to slow down the divorce rate, because divorces were skyrocketing. And later what they found is that since the divorce took longer, these couples were working through their problems. Because they still had to provide and live with one another. Reconciliation is an amazing thing. Also this time aloud them to think about if their marriage was worth saving or not.

Why do people get divorce? There are many reasons such as lack of commitment, arguing to much, Infidelity, marrying to young, unrealistic expectations, lack of equality in the relationship, abuse, finances, and most importantly the lack of communication. Most marriages I think fall on the last one. Because if there is no communication then it can lead to most of the other ones. Communication is not yelling to get your point across. It is also not something you can put off. Communication is key to every relationship and I think it’s one of the number one reasons why people get a divorce. Because the couple is not listening to one another.

Do you think divorce is damaging?

I sure do. It causes a lack of trust in other people. It can make a women or man not want to try again. It can make kids act out in school or social situations. It can lead them to their own future divorces. Divorce is a mistake (unless certain circumstances: abuse). Many people come to regret their divorces. They admit that they should have tried harder, waited longer. Relationships and marriages are not easy. But working through problems that arise will make the couple’s bond even stronger than before. Divorce is just a scape goat for those who don’t want to take the effort to try and fix the problems in their marriage.

I personally hope I never even consider divorce. Because I know how important marriages are. If I get married it’s because I found the person I want to be with forever and eternity. And if I run away from that because of a few bumps in the road, I am taking away part of the reason for this life. Two seperate people coming together as one is not an easy thing, it’s a beautiful one, but not easy. And if you are thinking it should be, you are missing an important lesson and sorry to say you are deluding yourself and setting yourself up for failure. Please do not do that.

If you have been with me through this, you know how important families are. Breaking yours apart with divorce is a tragedy, because there is so much joy to be found if you can just stick out the storms that life throws your way. Cling onto your husband or wife, don’t pull away from each other. Talk about all issues that come up big or small. Set apart time for each other and don’t cancel it. Tell each other why you love each other and cling on to that and each other when those rough patches try to trip you up and tear you apart.

Every marriage is worth saving. Every marriage can be a fantastic one. If there are no serious issues then I implore you to take marriage off your table of acceptable things to do and fill that table with communication and love. Because it will help you through the hard times.

I want to say how thankful I am for all my readers. And I am thankful for the knowledge I obtained from this class. I really hope and pray that I will be able to utatalize these lessons and suggestions into my own life and family one day. I hope you all have a fantastic week and life. If any fellow students are reading I wish you good luck on finals! Thank you again! Until another time, bye bye 🤗😁

The Blessing of Children and Parenting.

Most people often have mixed feelings about being a parent. Although they see that having a child is a blessing, they often feel scared and insecure about raising their child the right way. They don’t want to mess up, they don’t want their children to dislike them, sometimes they don’t want to raise their children how they themselves were raised. I want to start off first by saying that no one really knows what they are doing when they bring an infant home from the hospital. Rearing a child is done by trial and error. Even when you have multiple children you may have to switch up your parenting tactics for each one because they are their own individuals. They are not going to be exactly like one another, and that’s okay. The purpose of parenting is to protect and prepare our children to survive and thrive in the environment they live in. So that they can become functioning adults in their society. To teach them what is right from wrong, to mentor them and let them experience life. Although I think we have a problem in today’s society about rearing children.

In today’s society there is actually a collapse of parenting this is due to the parents letting their children take the lead. You can notice this first with food. Parents ask and bribe their children to eat certain foods (vegetables). By giving the children the option you give them power in the relationship.  Asking instead if telling your children what to do actually puts them into survival mode, because they don’t feel taken care of and this will make them take the alpha role in the relationship. The habits of parents today to take care of their childs every need actually put the child into a “deconditioning” mode. It makes our children be out of shape because they are no longer playing and learning like they used to.

Parents are also pushing kids harder and faster at a younger age intellectually, because they can absorb more and it’s easier for them to learn.  But this doesn’t give them time to reason and problem solve. This intellectual push can actually undermine both self-confidence and fluid reasoning or the ability to think. We moved away from kids learning basic skills like sharing, not taking things that don’t belong to them, cleaning up their own messes, not hitting other people, etc. And by doing so we are taking away their socialization and it will make it harder for them to function or cooperation with other people when they get older. And this has moved us into a culture of disrespect. Children are less attached to and influenced by their parents or other adults in their lives and instead become more influenced by their peer group. But this doesn’t help the children keep accountability of their own actions.

Parents today are struggling with telling thier kids no and teaching them basic skills, such as working for something they want. Children today are often given things they want without working for it. And this can cause some serious problems. There is actually a video called “Is Your Child Getting Enough Vitamin N”, thay helps to clarify this point as well as adds to it. If we do not tell our children no, then they are not learning essential skills needed for when they are older. Because unfortunately life does not hand us everything we want. But often times getting what we want does not help us fill the void, getting what we need does.

Parents need to realize that they should not be constantly comparing their parenting styles and their child’s development to others.  When parents constantly question themselves with every choice they make, or constantly looking for info to make sure they are doing the right thing, they get stuck in this learned helplessness. Realizing that you will make mistakes is essential. It’s how you handle those mistakes that helps you to learn for next time. Parents should establish a network of serragot caregivers that will help them when needed. I am such a person for my sister. I help her when it’s needed but I don’t contradict her authority as a parent either.  These caregivers can be family, friends, trusted coworkers, etc. Someone who will help you and not contradict you as a parent.

Hopkins says that all children need to develop respect for themselves and others, and parents need to help them develop this skill. Children need to be able to cooperate with others, they need to learn responsibility, they need to have the ability to respond to challenges and opportunities. Most parents and other adult authority figures try to do this by having a rewards and punishment system. But this could be a problem as to why children lose an internal drive. It can cause children to become selfish when their is no reward. They may start to expect rewards every time they do something which is not a logical solution. Punishments can also create resentment and resistance. It can cause children to be disrespectful, ride and manipulative. My nephew when he started potty training had a rewards system. But after he stoped recieving rewards he would potty in his pants out of spite. Or because we made him mad. So I can see how the reward system can backfire on parents.

Hopkins proposed a problem handling model. This model allowed kids to handle or solve their own problems if it was solvable. This model helps to see who owns the problem parent or child(who is influenced or complaining). If it is a child/ teen it suggest that we let them learn through natural consequences. This is what life throws at them naturally. And it’s actually a respectful way for the children to learn. If you tried a different approach the children may try to “get even”. An example of this could be when a teen runs out of gas in their car because they forgot to fill it up the night before after a party. They want to use your car or they ask you for money to fill up their car. Instead if caving and letting them have one of the two options have them take the bus. If they complain/ try to argue tell them that it was their decision to do what they did and that they will know better for next time. This helps them to learn and not rely on you when they make their own mistakes. And it’s respectful because you are treating them like an adult, even though they may not like it at the moment. This helps children to build resiliency and capability. Avoid lectures or the I told you so’s, show empathy to their situation, be comforting but don’t rescue them and show that their feelings are valid.

The only time you do not want to use the natural consequences is if 1) to dangerous 2) to far in the future 3) when it harm others. Like when my nephew was running with a knife he grabbed off the counter that would be to dangerous for him to learn by natural consequences. If my nephew stopped going to school And just played video games all day he wouldn’t learn the consequences until he was out on his own. And if a child was throwing rocks towards other people. These are things that would not have a good natural consequence learning curve.

When the parents owns the problem try to focus on polite requests (cooperation), use I feel statements, firm statements (not intimidating) and establish a logical consequence that is structured like a natural consequence.

Parenting is not easy and no one said it was. Children are a huge blessing though. Children provide just as much growth to a parent as a parent does to their child. And it’s a beautiful bond. Maintaining your parental authority and still being connected to your child’s emotional, mental and physical well being is a balancing act, one that you will have to try and adjust. But it’s worth it.

Remember that your job is so vitally important, but there is no need to compaire yourself and your child to others. There is no need to spend hours online looking at the best way to raise your child. Just stay connected and aware of your child and their needs. And adjust as you go. Trial and error are what helps us grow as human beings. Also remember that God and your ancestors are on your side too. Raising children really does take a village so remember to have that support system!

If you guys have any questions or comments please leave them down below! I hope you all have a wonderful day and a fantastic week ahead. I’ll be trying to survive finals!

Finances and family dynamics

Hi everyone I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Today I wanted to talk about family finances and about dynamics. Mostly about a women’s decision to stay home and how they can still stay intellectually involved.

To start off let’s talk about where money goes. Finances are an important part of how a couple gets through life. Unfortunately many of us don’t actually pay attention to what we are spending our money on and how much we are spending. The first thing that a couple needs to do when they are going from two incomes to one is to take inventory of what your money is going to. This includes the bills, nights out, babysitters, food, etc. After figuring out what money you need to spend on the necessary things, then see where you want to cut back on. Maybe your night outs can be somewhere where you don’t have to spend money; a walk in the park, the beach, a picnic, etc. Maybe you are buying unnecessary iteams that you want but don’t actually need. Once you figure that out you can’t start to save that money about 20% usually. This doesn’t cause any significant changes to life style.

You can also ask for advice form a financial advisor at your bank or a reputable organization. This is someone who is not involved in your personal affairs and can give you hard advice. It is a short of tough love that is needed. Also you need to be able to make decisions quickly. You don’t want to dip into your savings or your retirement to fix your financial problems. That would be a set back. And savings don’t last forever. So being able to make quick decisions about what to cut out is necessary. And then of course make a budget plan. Most of us carelessly spend money on things that interests us or sounds good in the moment. A budget plan helps diminish overspending. And sudden shopping sprees. You can make a list of things you can’t change and things you can change. A mortgage is unchangeable, but the amount you spend on food is changeable. This can also help you see which one is the biggest changeable catagory. I want to say most is food.

Another thing is planning. If you already know you are going to eventually go down to one income, live off of that one income and put the other income into a savings account. This way your life style changes don’t have to be drastic and you have a comfortable cushion for emergencies or rainy days. I know that when I eventually get married and have kids I want to be a stay at home mom. Or work from home in some way. This way I feel like I am still contributing to actually, but I get the time I need and want to spend with my children. I think having the mom in the home is very important for their development, especially their early development. And I know many women don’t agree with that in this day and age, but it’s something I always believed I wanted for when I am a mother.

Another thing a couple needs to consider is what it’s costing for them to both work. Between the cost of transportation, babysitting fees, increased food expenses from.eating out, etc. It all adds up to money that could be put into savings. Child care especially is not cheap. I used to babysit my sister’s kids when she had to work because she could not afford a babysitter. Although I do like that I got to spend quality time with my nieces and nephews. My point on this matter is that you could be spending more than you are making with both parents working. If one parent stays home those extra cost are void.

Lastly on the topic of finances is your attitude. If you have to drastically change your spending habits it means you are giving up something that you love. And that can put a dent in a relationship. Your attitude is probably the most important thing about finances, especially about cutting back, so make sure your are practicing those communication skills we talked about. They are necessary when talking about finances and what to cut back on and what to change. Finances are one of the highest reasons why married couples get divorces or have issues. So keep that in mind when considering this advice. And remember to listen and communicate with your partner about what to do.

Another thing that caught my attention this week was an article by Dennis Prager’s “Does a Full-Time Homemaker Swap Her Mind for a Mop?” For one the title is catchy but it also had good content. A stay at home mother doesn’t have to give up her intellectual mind. There is plenty of things for her to do. And I would say that her intelligence might actually increase because of the extra time she has to learn about things that interests her while she is raising her children. And she can then pass more knowledge onto her children. It’s a wonderful article and I recommend you read it. A stay at home mother is a wonderful thing. I consider it a blessing. I know in today’s society women want to prove that they are just as good as men and we are. But I believe are talents are better suited for raising the children. Although the Father has a purpose in the home too. And Father’s are necessary to raise well rounded children in my opinion. And a father’s presence is definitely needed more when the children are older. They provide something that a mother can’t. While I mother is comforting and meets the child’s needs in those areas, a father makes a child look at the outside world and view it in a different light than a mother can. I have noticed this in my church. When a mother hold her child it is usually tucked into her and their faces are facing the mother. But when a father holds their child the child is usually facing away from the father. The father is usually painting and things and explaining it to the child as well.

This past week I have been thinking about my own family. And while it is quite different from the normal family, I got to experience many things while growing up. And how the absence of a father figure had impacted us kids. When we did get a father figure in the home it was quite different too. And I loved it. A father provides that safety and security. A father provides streangth.

Have you noticed how the presence of a father figure had impacted your life? Have you noticed how a mother had impacted your life? I invite you to take a moment and ponder it. Because while the world is screaming that make and females are the same, there is still a difference in our conduct and mannerism. And I don’t think that is a bad thing. I actually think it is necessary.

I am not saying a women can’t do what a man can, especially since I grew up with many brother’s, but I am saying that our manner of doing the same thing can be quite different. This world I hope soon realizes that our differences are not bad. Our differences shouldnt pit us against one another. Our differences should be celebrated because it’s needed. And maybe if a man and women communicated with the intent to understand one another then they would come to realize that.

Anyway that’s all I have to say for now. I hope you guys had a wonderful week! And I’ll write again soon. Also if you would please leave a comment or question I would really appreciate it! Have a good night and a wonderful week to come!

Communication, communication, communication!

Hi guys! I hope you have all had a wonderful week. And I hope you all also have a wonderful Thanksgiving on Thursday!

This week my class and I learned about communication and how it’s essential for all relationships, especially between married couples. First of all I want you to know that communication isn’t just your words. But it’s your nonverbal cues as well. A person’s tone of voice, facial expression, body language and even their eyes make up a huge part of communication between people. We are always communicating with one another, with the sense that our words, lack of words, and expressions are interpreted by others to convey our mood, feelings and relationships. Keep in mind that your nonverbal cues make up 50-80% of communication.

Now there are some communications styles I suggest to avoid if you want to have constructive communication pertaining to listening to the other person. 1) The Faker: this is pretending to listen, may smile and nod their heads, may appear intent, but they are thinking about something else, or may be so intent on appearing to be listening that they don’t hear anything you said. 2) The Dependent listener: they try to please the speaker; concerned with the speaker having a good impression of them that they are unable to listen and respond appropriately. They may agree excessively, this causes the speaker to be frustrated and it doesn’t build fulfilling relationships. 3) The Interrupter: they never allow the other person to finish what they are saying. Could be because they are afraid they will forget something important they want to say. They may feel it’s necessary to respond to a point as soon as it’s made, they may simply be concerned with their own thoughts and feelings than those of others. 4) Self-conscious listener: these people are primarily concerned with their own status in the eyes of others, not the other person’s ideas or feelings. They try to impress, they don’t listen with understanding. They may frame a response in order to appear helpful. Also avoid sarcasm. Sarcasm causes misunderstanding and can ruin relationships. Because sarcasm has some truth in it that can hurt your partner and cause the relationship to fall apart.

I know it’s hard to evaluate your own listening skills. You may not even realize your doing it, but I implore you, if you are using one of these listening styles, it’s going to harm the relationships you are trying to build. Listening has become a thing we do in order to respond instead of understand. But that is not good communication. Because you have to understand in order to respond appropriately. And sometimes no response is best. But you won’t know until you listen and actually hear and understand the person’s nonverbal cues as well. Listening is the most important part of communication. So I implore you, pay attention to how you listen. Can your listening skills improve?

There are six key ways in which you can improve your listening skills. 1) Take the initiative in communication. Affective listening is an active process not a passive one. Watch for the nonverbal cues, listen carefully, strive for understanding and respond with non-committal remarks as not to interrupt. 2) Resist distractions both environmental and mental. Consciously decide to put away outside distractions for a while to focus on that the other person is saying. That means no touching your phone, checking the clock, worrying about your own things, etc. If you are distracted by other things you are not paying attention to your partner. 3) Control your emotions and your tendency to respond before your partner is finished. There are going to be things that trigger us to respond because of our own emotional attachments or ideas. This will cause you to stop listening to formulate a response. But resist that urge and wait until your partner is finished completely. 4) Ask questions and rephrase to clarify your partners meaning. This is not to cast suspicion or motives onto the speaker but to understand what they are saying. To check for the accuracy, feelings or simply to show interest or understanding. 5) Make use if the speed of your thoughts by summarizing. Your mind works faster than your mouth, you can think of responses and summarize to understand. Lastly 6) Practice! Practice will allow you to enhance all of your relationships. Also avoid sarcasm.

There is going to be misunderstanding, but talking it out and being open with one another in a non-hostile way will improve your relationships. Try not to communicate when you are in a foul mood or confrontational mood, because this will only lead to fighting and hurting one another, with words and actions that you don’t mean. Once you both are calmed down set a time to talk with one another.

Start out with sharing what you love about one another. This starts off the conversation on a good note. Then you talk about the issue. If you are a faithful person, then both of you kneel down and pray with one another to understand what you should do. Then talk about the impressions you got. This is not talking about what you both want, you do that before hand. This is what impressions you got. So be honest and open with one another. You repeat this process until you feel like you both came to the same conclusion. If you are not faithful that’s okay. But try to talk it out as best as you can. Compromise is not always the best decision, because sometimes what is best is another option completely. Just remember to keep an open mind with one another and keep the love you share in mind. After you come to a decision together then end with refreshments. Or do something to bring you closer to one another. This helps to end on a good note.

Communication is essential for all relationships. If there is no communication then the relationship will be at risk because there won’t be an understanding between you. Especially between males and females. We encode and decode messages a bit differently. That’s why communication and clarification is important. There is going to be conflicts, conflicts are constant in our lives but good communication can help you overcome these difficulties together as a united front. And instead of the conflict tearing you apart, it will help you come closer together.

In a marriage relationship you need to care as much as what your partner wants as you want. You are a team, to learn and grow with one another. Which reminds me that you should never correct your partner in front of other people. This can be humiliating and cause a great deal of stress and irritation which will strain the relationship, not help it to grow and become stronger.

I want to end with a scripture D&C121:41 states: “No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned”. Long-suffering means enduring, having it showing patience in spite of trouble, especially those caused by other people. And love unfeigned means without sarcasm, not with held, with authenticity. And that what relationships should be. This is how communication should be. It’s difficult but worth it. In order to have long lasting relationships.

I hope you all have a fabulous week! Happy Thanksgiving!

Stress

Most people view stress in a negative way, I used to think stress was a negative emotional or physical reaction, that it was only there to hinder, but this is not the case at all. Stress in small doses can be a positive influence in your life. Both individually and as a family unit.

Stress is caused by your body when you are facing a challenge, demand or danger. It causes a lot of different affects in your body. Take the fight or flight response. When you are in danger you digestion system shuts down, because it is unnecessary in that moment, in some people their blood pressure rises to prepare their body, hypes it up. In others their blood pressure drops, because they freeze up. This is good when you are being attached by an animal because it helps you not to bleed out right away because the blood is pooling around the internal organs. In fact being attacked can cause anxiety which helps you to stay alive because you literally are only thinking about staying alive. Anxiety is a person’s perception of what is happening to them and not the actual reality. Which is important to keep in mind.

Now I know starting out with this situation is strange, but I wanted to have an example of what stress and other emotions can do to the body.

The family unit is no different. When we face challenges in our lives, our stress can affect our family. Stress can either bring a family unit closer or makes them pull apart. And I hope that this can help you ponder it on how not to pull apart.

When a family faces a crisis, such as the death of a family member, or a family member being sick, it causes a huge amount of stress, anxiety, maybe even depression in the other members of the family. I know this happened to mine when my nephew was diagnosed with cancer. We were all battling our own emotions over this issue, and we were all trying to figure out how to help, the problem was that there was a huge lack of communication. And that lack of communication accompanied by stress caused us to lash out at one another.

I understand know that we were all focusing on his sickness and imagining the outcome. But we lost the knowledge that him getting sick did not automatically decide the outcome. There is a model that helps us to look at stressor events called the ABCX model. My nephew getting cancer was our stressor event. I believe my professor called this action. B is for the resources the family has available. Our family drew together to take care of the other children in my sister’s family. My sister got helped from the hospital for bills. We also had a go fund me page on Facebook that many people in our community and beyond, donated money too our cause. My aunt, mother, sister and my step dad would take turns out in Portland with my nephew as he was an inpatient case. We had many many resources available to us, but there was still a lot of stress within the family. And it was hitting us individually really hard, especially because my family does not like to open up to one another. The c in the model represents the families perception of the stressor. And admittedly it was not very bright. Of course we had hope that he would pull through. And at one point we thought it was over he was in remission, but it was not, his cancer came back. This time more agressive. While our hearts were breaking our bonds were as well. Because we were more focused on our own pain than each other’s. Although my nephew stayed bright and caring until the very end. Now the x in this model stands for the likely outcome…. My nephew’s story on Earth ended on March 14 of 2018. That was our outcome. And some of us spiraled, including myself. I did not handle his loss well at all. Until I met the missionaries. And then even though my family had been breaking apart, we pulled back together again. It was a long process. And sometimes I thought the stress was going to suffocate me, but it helped me to make decisions. Important ones, especially concerning the other children I was helping take care of. Four nephews and a niece. And my sisters youngest was about a year old or a little older at that time. I do have a few regrets, but I cannot keep betting myself up over them.

This experience had taught me a lot. I know that when I have my own family I do not want to shut down and let the stress pile up. I want to be able to talk to my family and take time to ponder and discuss courses of action with my husband. Ignoring a crisis does not help either. Trying to block out what is happening, pretending that things are okay when they are not, putting off the inevitable is not the way to go. It can make it worse. That’s why it’s important to keep communication open with family members, especially your spouse (my sister did not have a husband, but my aunt helped her make a lot of important decisions). Even with small stressors or maybe especially with small stressors, because if they pile up you can end up resenting your spouse or family.

Stress helped my sister to analyze options available to her. Stress made her make decisions. Stress made her do research and ask questions. Stress can make you kick into action, it is not a hindrance, God gave us this response in order for us to make important decisions.

I hope that on day you can view stress as a good thing. Although we may not like it. Always remember to keep in mind to take time with your wife or husband, like a date, to get a break from the stressor, even just for a couple hours. Take time to talk through your emotions and ideas with one another. Keep in mind all the good times before the stressor occured. And remember that it is going to help you grow as a person, if you don’t allow it to cripple you. Our body responses are here to help us, not to hinder us.

If you guys have any questions please reach out. It helps me to focus on a narrower topic. I am still not used to blogging, but I do like that I am able to out my thoughts down and hopefully reach another person. Again thank you for reading and I hope you all have a wonderful night. Till next time! 😁

Sexual Intimacy

I hope everyone is doing well and trying to stay safe and covid free. I also hope you all had a wonderful Halloween. Halloween was my birthday and I have to say I missed home terribly. But today is my older brothers birthday so I need to call him soon, because facebook isn’t enough.

Anyway back on track. This week in class we talked about a controversial issue, and a little bit of an uncomfortable one. No one really likes talking about sexual intemacy in front of a class or your professor, but I have to say it was a good topic to discuss. Especially in this day and age where many young adults and teens are having intercourse with multiple partners.

First off I want to say I am not judging anyone. You are responsible for your own body and well being, including emotional, mental, physical and spiritual. I am not trying to say that your beliefs or views on this subject are wrong. But I will express my opinion on this matter. And I hope you can respect me as a person, as I do you.

I was not raised in the church, so my beliefs didn’t stem from the church while I was a youth. But I always believed that intimacy, especially sexual Intimacy was special and that I needed to wait. I personally wanted to find a partner to treasure me. A partner who had the same interests and beliefs as I did/do. This doesn’t mean I didn’t have urges, but I knew that if I didn’t wait I would regret it.

I think this thinking came because I watched my mother, my siblings and my friends go through some hard times because of sexual Intimacy. You are sharing your body, your vulnerability and letting yourself be bare in front of another person. And that usually indicates some sort of attachment. But then it ends and many of my friends and family had a hard time with that. But they also never understood why I chose not too. My friends especially didn’t understand and thought I should “just do it”. I am thankful that I never did. I chose to wait and I am still waiting to find my partner. Because sex and intimacy should be done with the person you are doing to marry. That is my belief.

My parents never really talked about sexual Intimacy when I was growing up, besides to say that it was natural. My brother’s liked to tell me about their “conquests”, but I definitely did not like hearing about it, so usually I would just walk out and tell them to shut up. But when I joined the church I realized that I was waiting because I wanted a life partner. For time and all eternity. I felt at home in the church. Because I finally found a place that understood and encouraged my beliefs on this issue and even helped me expand on them. Intimacy isn’t just sexual, it’s creating bonds that help to streangthen a relationship. And opening up to the wrong people can be damaging. It can cause trust issues, it can make you closed off even hostile to people who never did anything to you. That’s why I think waiting until marriage is so important. If you can’t say I do to your potential partner, you shouldn’t be getting intimate with them.

I know as humans we have urges, but I also know that we can fight those urges so that we don’t harm ourselves or others. I just watched an opera Madama Butterfly that sort of hits on this topic, definitely other topics as well. This Japanese women married an American navel officer, but he was already planning to marry an American girl later on. But he desperately wanted this women. So he married her, the whole time she thinks it’s a real marriage and he doesnt. It shows the damage that is caused by being intimate with someone and having them leave you.

I also think this is why our church leaders are adimant about us not being intimate with one another until marriage. Because it can hurt the people involved. It can make them feel bad about themselves, causing guilt and other negative emotions. The pleasure from the physical act does not triumph over the anguish it causes later on when the couple splits. Emotional and mental damage is far often worse than physical ones. And that is what these relationships do to the people involved.

God gave us these sexual urges so that we can replenish the earth. To have children, and to connect on a deep level with the person we want to be with (marriage). One partner. There is someone out there waiting for you. Someone who will understand you better than most people. But if you are in an intimate relationship with people who don’t actually get you, you may stay with them because you created a bond through physical affection. Lust is not equal to Love.

I know in this day and age many people think this is old school thinking. But remember, I didn’t grow up in the church. I didn’t have my parents telling me that this was the right way. I just felt it in my soul and my whole being. I want you to ask yourself if you are being fulfilled in any other aspects but sexual desire with the partner or partners that you are with? Do you feel complete? Do you punish yourself because of your actions? Do you regret having sex with that guy/girl at the bar or club? How do you feel after a one night stand? How did you feel after your first sexual experience? Are you guys still together now?

Being with one partner after marriage helps you to not feel those negative feelings. But again this is my opinion and beliefs. I am here to provide what I learn and what I think. With the hope that it can reach people and helps those who are looking for a different path.

I know it’s hard going against the norm of society. People ask why you’re different. Why you aren’t having the same “fun” and life experiences they are. But isn’t making sure that you are okay and that you are at peace with your choices worth it?

I hope that this post can help anyone who is searching for a different path. And please if you want someone to talk to about this please leave a comment. I would love to hear from you guys too.

I hope you all have a good night.

Preparing for Marriage and Weddings

When you prepare for a marriage there are many things to keep in mind. You are coming together with another person to spend time and all eternity together, so you have to put things into perspective. The expectations you have for one another, things you have to take care of before the marriage and you have to continue to learn about each other. There is work to be done for all relationships.

Before the marriage and even the proposal their are things that a couple should discuss in detail about what they want in life and what they expect out of their partners. Jumping into a marriage for title or security is not the way to go. A marriage is about two seperate people coming together as one. And in order to do that you have to be honest when talking about life goals and dreams. One of the topics that should be discussed is if a couple wants children. If they do want children, how many do they want? Children are a huge blessing as well as being a huge responsibility so being prepared and talking about these things beforehand is important. Also knowing if your potential spouse wants kids or doesn’t helps you realize that they may not be the person for you because you don’t agree on this issue. Another things to talk about is what is expected from each other. What is truly expected. How do you see yourself spending every day life? Does your partner want you to stay at home and take care of the house? Are you both going to work? Are you going to pray with each other? What chores or duties are expected from each other? Who’s going to cook on what days? The list goes on. The more you and your partner talk about these issues before getting engaged or married, the better you both will be while coming across challenges in the future. Keep in mind as well that you are coming together with the person you chose, no one else should have an opinion on how you guys will/should proceed. Your mother, father, brother, sister or anyone else in your families should not have an opinion in these matters because you are starting your own family. You will have your own rules, you will start your own traditions. Letting others come into the relationship puts strain on the relationship you are trying to build with your partner.

Something I found interesting, that I hadn’t initially thought about was the proposal. In today’s society proposals are usually on a wide scale with tons of people as witnesses and even people recording or taking pictures of the event. And while I think it is nice to have memories of the event, I believe that a proposal is better when done in private. That way there is no pressure from society when making the decision to accept or decline. I also think that this helps build a stronger bond between the couple as well. Because they are not trying to impress the people around them, but to be open and honest and vulnerable with each other. Try to make the proposal unique or creative and specifically for your potential/future partner. This moment is a very precious moment that leads to a big life decision. I think a small proposal with no one else around is the best way to go. This can help save money to, because instead of being expensive and eye catching, you are being intimate and sincere. Remember no one else is going to be in this relationship, it’s only between you and your partner. Having other people in your business, and bossing you or giving you “suggestions” can put a huge strain on a relationship.

Another thing to think about is not doing a traditional wedding. Weddings are often expensive and can lead to debt. Either financially with a bank, or in debt to family who helped you pay for the wedding. Either one will harm the relationship in the future. One will out a lot of financial hardships on the new couple, the other, family, will put strain on you lol n other ways. Like demanding your first child to be named after them. Try to find a free venue. Maybe on the beach or in the first, or in the case of members of the church, inside the temple. These are free venues that will help save lesson the coast of the wedding. If you have family who can play music or be the dj try to do that. If you have cooks in your family, have them make the food. Try to find creative ways to do your wedding without it being costly. Starting off a marriage in debt will put a lot of stress on the newly Weds and will hinder their progress to build together.

I think one of the most important things to keep in mind is that when you get married you and your partner are supposed to be one. When you keep separate bank accounts, car insurance, and things like that separate, you are not bringing yourself closer to your spouse. These things can actually cause discord in a marriage, because it is almost like the two are still living seperate lives. Also listening to your parents requests or demands can hinder a relationship with your partner as well.

Have you ever noticed that when you go home for the holidays, you revert back into a child. You fall back into the role that is expected of you. Instead of being the independent person, you now are, you regress or revert back into your parents child. I’m not saying that spending time with family is bad, but the goal is to start your life with your spouse. You shouldn’t have to feel obligated to spend every holiday with one side of the family or the other. Spending holidays with just your spouse is a good way to go.

Marriage is a commitment between two people. To be together through thick and thin through all eternity. In order to have a good and lasting relationship, you need to be honest about your life goals and expectations. Try not to fall into debt over a wedding and proposal, this can hinder the relationship right away, and also don’t let your families control you and make decisions for you. This relationship is not about them, it’s only about the two of you and then your future children. Remember to keep in mind that there will always be hard days. Days where you may think your part we and you are no longer on the same page, especially after having kids, but if you actually look at it from an outside perspective, you are often even more in tune with each other. Just the dynamics have changed.

Learning and growing with an eternal partner is a goal of mine. And I hope that everyone can find a relationship that makes them happy and that helps them become the best person they can be.

If you guys have any questions feel free to ask. I would love to hear from you. And this can help me clarify my thoughts as well. And maybe even dig and learn more.

Thank you for reading. Hope you all have a Happy Halloween. 🎃

Relationships?

This week we learned many things concerning dating and marriage. Along with how it has changed over time. I think one of the things I found most interesting is that there is dating, then courting, then engagement and lastly marriage. I didn’t really think there was a difference between dating and courting, but my teacher put it in perspective. Dating is when you are testing the waters, it’s when you go out with many different people without a real commitment.  Of course you are committed to the person you are with that day, but there are no promises afterwards. This is a more social aspect. Courting on the other hand is when you pick a partner and start to get more serious and truly get to know one another more. I thought this was an extremely interesting and valuable topic. Because my generation pretty much mixes the two. There is not a huge distinction. But I think we need to bring this concept back. What do you think?

I also learned that physical attraction, no matter how much I hate it, plays a huge part in who we date or court. We have to be drawn to their physical appearance before we consider them a suitable partner. And this can make us miss out on some incredible people. I also hate this because I feel like I am not sutable. Being overweight, makes it hard to love myself and at times I feel that the opposite sex doesn’t want to get to know me in that way. And it can be hard and emotionally damaging.

But what I think is even more important and is one of the most important components is intellectual compatibility and having the same interests as well. If you cannot connect with a potential partner in this area then the relationship will not go anywhere. You have to be able to talk about life, dreams, ideas, etc. With your partner. This makes up the heart of a relationship. Having the same interests is good as well. If your partner is outdoorsy and you are not, this can hinder a relationship. So finding people with the same interests as you is important. I like to camp, go quadding, write, listen to music, do artsy things and watch anime, movies and other tv shows. If my potential partner doesn’t like these types of things it can cause strain in the relationship. Don’t change who you are just to be in a relationship. Relationships are about growing together, not forcing change in one another.

On that note, I have not dated much in my life. And when I did… I felt like I chose the wrong people, because I didn’t love myself properly because of my size. I once heard that “people accept the love they think they deserve”. This saying hit me really hard and touched my heart. Because I do/did not love myself properly, I didn’t choose people who would love me properly. I chose guys that wanted physical affection, but we didn’t connect on an emotional and intellectual level. Sometimes they would cause me emotional or physical harm. And it made me hate myself more, I would break up with them because they wanted me to give them something I was not willing to give them.

Relationships seem to be easier to get into with online dating available, but I feel like we have lost sight of what’s important. And that’s finding a life partner, not just someone to fill a void. You want to find someone who helps make you a better person inside and out. You want someone who will cherish you. Talk with you. Love you. Listen to you. Push you to your full potential. You need someone who is compatible not just physically but mentally, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. that is going to require you to love and accept yourself. So that you can love and accept them as well. And when you do find that person, don’t rush, take your time to truly know them, go through the courting and then engagement and when your heart and soul says it’s right get married. Not just to to receive a title or status, but because you want that person to learn with and grow with you. Because you want to start a family. Because you have opened up your heart and soul.

Relationships are complicated. Finding someone is complicated and scary, but it is well worth it in the end. Don’t be casual in a relationship. Hanging out and dating are two separate things. Just keep in mind that no matter what you do, when finding a romantic partner, you have to be honest with yourself. Take your time and listen to what you and the other person want in life. And then go from there.

Anyway please share your thoughts or ideas in the comments. I would love to hear what you guys think in this subject.

Differences between men and women. Along with Same-sex attraction

I want to start off by apologizing for not updating last week. I was struggling with what to say. I know that my opinion and understanding, although small, can make a difference or cause an argument. So I just want to start off by saying that I am not against anybody who’s views are different from my own. I accept that we may have differences and I love you for them, because it allows me to expand my knowledge as well.

I was struggling with being sick with COVID 19 along with some other issues. Although it will be late, I would like to share my thoughts with all of you.

To start off I do believe that males and females have set differences. Males are more protective, sturdy, single minded and focused. They are to be protectors of the family and they make decisions. Females are more caring, they want to help everyone, nurturing and being empathetic is in our systems. Females also have a tendency to look at a wider view then men. I am not saying that men and women di not have the same qualities, but they have a bigger capacity for these qualities. It also starts to show at a young age as well. We read an article about toys and how boys and girls had a tendency to lean towards or pick out their respective fender toys. This doesn’t mean that they don’t play with the other toys as well, but that they were more inclined to pick certain toys that are described to be for their gender. Boys picked out a blue teddy bear, balls, diggers and such; girls on the other hand picked the pink teddy bear and a cooking pot. I found it interesting that this happens so early on, even without parents guiding them to those toys.

Men and women have different roles for a reason, and that is because we are supposed to suit one another. We complete each other and make up for what the other lacks. It is not a bad thing. I think that this generation, because they want to be seen as equal, they are losing sight of what’s important. Women are women because we have a duty to rear our children. To love them. To empathize with them. To teach them kindness and forgiveness. We have that nurturing role. Men are protectors they teach our children to be focused, to be strong, to be courageous and to be a leader. I think because women didn’t have rights for a long time, that when we were able to be on the same level as a man, we lost sight if what made us women. I’m not saying that having equal rights is bad, but it made us lose focus. Women try to be like men to prove ourselves as worthy, but we were worthy to begin with, with our own unique qualities.

Now on the subject of same sex attraction…. First off I want to say I have many friends and even a family member who has been with the same sex intimately. I love them as I do any of my other friends or family and I would never want to hurt them. Who they love does not affect my relationship with them, but I do have an opinion on the matter.

I understand that most of the time the people who have the same sex attractions have been hurt in some form. They may have been sexually abused, they may feel like their peers don’t see them as the sex they are and there may be a missing father figure. In any case they have been hurt in some way. I understand that many of them want to change, they do not want to be gay. In some cases sexuality can change or is fluid. I have found that many people who are in same sex relationships are often more depressed, they are more secluded and they don’t like to open up… There is also more potential for disease.

I guess my point is that the same sex attraction is not their fault. They have been hurt by society or individuals and they often times were pushed to think that they belonged with their same sex, because they didn’t fit the “norm”. And often times this subject is viewed as taboo. We are not supposed to talk about these things because it may upset the LGBT community. And some of them think that they were born in a different body or born to be attracted to the same sex. But I don’t believe that to be the case. They have been hurt by something in their youth or later on.

I just want to reiterate that I am not judging anyone based on their sexual orientation. It is not my life. But if you feel like you are suffering more because you are in a same sex relationship, reach out. There are people to help you. And there are success stories too. If you want to change you can. By no means are you being forced to though. I just wish everyone a long and happy life. And it’s up to the individual to.achieve it.

Anyway if you have any comments or want someone to talk to please leave a message I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions on this subject. And again sorry it’s so late.

Cultural diversity and social class.

First off I hope everyone has had a good week. Mine has been eventful. Not only with classes but one of my roommates and I are on lockdown. If you guys could keep us and the rest of my housemates in your prayers or just send good vibes we would appreciate it. My roommate has covid and I am currently waiting for my results. Thank you!

For this week we learned a lot about culture and social class. Let me start off by saying that I love diversity. It helps me to grow as a person. I also understand that each family or individual will have different opportunities presented to them, this means that we are all going to look quite different.

Culture influences us in major ways. This is where we get our beliefs and our norms. I have changed my culture quite a bit since joining The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, which means I have changed from my family culture. I no longer drink coffee, or hang out at the bar or do some things that uses to be natural for me, that my family is still involved in. Culture helps us to define who we are and it gives us a group to belong in. Our culture can influence what we believe is right and wrong, how we great people, how we take care of ourselves (hygiene), our religious beliefs, how we interact with others, etc. As you can see it plays a huge part in who we are.

Another thing to consider is social class. In America we believe we do not have a class system. And we don’t… not on a formal baises, but we are still divided between rich and poor. The Haves and haves nots. White collar or blue collar jobs. Social class influences the way we dress, how we spend our down time, our friends, our health and if we can get adequate health care. What kind of education we have access to. And while most believe that America has equal opportunities for everyone it’s just not that simple. Money plays a factor in the opportunities provided to us.

Education for example is very different for someone from a rich (high class) family compaired to a poor (low class) family. The person from a rich family can afford a private education, tutors, expensive extracurricular activities like piano or violone lessons. While someone who has a poor family goes to a public school. Maybe has a job to help their family pay the bills. Even helps look after younger siblings. And there parents might be working twenty four seven to provide for their family.

Im not saying either situation is bad, because they both have advantages and disadvantages. I myself grew up in a lower class family. My aunt raised me and she worked thirteen hour days and still tried her best to spend quality time with us. I helped baby sit my nieces and nephews as well. I think I am a pretty well rounded individual. And I love to help people. And hey I made it into college too!

Even though our social and cultural backgrounds help to make us who we are, we can expand on top of that. And we can push for what we want. Our goals and aspirations can help us move forward too. We are not set in stone, but it does take great effort to change.

What are some ways you guys have noticed social classes effect families or individuals? Have you seen how your culture influences you? I would love to hear your opinions!

Thank you for reading. If you have any feedback to give I would appreciate that as well! Hope you all have a great week!